(On a video call and he’d just asked if he should turn us off) Daddy do you love them (me and his moomar) (his dad: yes) ok I will never ever turn them off 

(Last night I read him bedtime stories via video) When you where asleep last night the books pooed on your head (I was making coffee) I wish I could send you coffee down the phone (me: I wish you could too) I’d make you coffee and put it down the phone (he does not wash his own hands except on mummy’s clothes) “Mummy if you wash your hands you’ll get a surprise  (He’d just informed me I was a poo) (Me: can poos drink coffee) no poos drink ice cream  (I’m ok with that) 

(In the middle of a phone call with his mum, and mid sentence) bye (he then hung up) (to his mum while covering his face in paint) You're not the prettiest anymore because I'm all sparkly 

It was my birthday a few days before. (unprompted) When I’m 4 tomorrow I’ll be gentle with babies (we had just brushed the floor) When I’m 4 tomorrow I’ll like brushing the floor  (DON'T TURN ON THE STEM MOP) When I’m 4 tomorrow Noises won’t hurt me (He's not 4 tomorrow)

(Putting on a dinosaur 🦕 onesie he just had to wear) I can get dressed all by myself because I’m a grownup  (me: grownups are quite when people are asleep)  I’m a baby  (a mess room) (his me: Nephew can you tidying up please) Mummy it would make me feel better if YOU Were to do the tidying up (In a noisy restaurant, I have hypersensitive hearing) DADDY, DADDDDY , DADDDDDDDY (his dad: yes bud) It's too noisy for Auntie (he looks lovely in to my eyes)  I'm going to kill you then eat you (Anything he wants) Is this yours (me: yes) oh I thought it was mine  (he'd just walked in the door)  it’s not a proper house like mine, the stairs aren’t in the middle  (jess is his granddads puppy) "I’ll be gentle with Jess even though granddad isn’t here"