(I was wearing my glasses I hadn’t taken my glasses off we had only been talking for about a minute) Auntie when you take your glasses off you look like grandad (His grandad is a 66-year-old man who wears glasses. I am a 22-year-old woman) 

(Nephew had taken him self down to the end of the field to say hello to his dad, who working there. my sister has 9 1/2 acres ) (His mum: You can’t go off on your own you need either mummy or daddy to go with you) Mummy don’t worry Millie was with me (Millie is their dog)   Millie 

(On a video call and he’d just asked if he should turn us off) Daddy do you love them (me and his moomar) (his dad: yes) ok I will never ever turn them off 

(Last night I read him bedtime stories via video) When you where asleep last night the books pooed on your head (I was making coffee) I wish I could send you coffee down the phone (me: I wish you could too) I’d make you coffee and put it down the phone (he does not wash his own hands except on mummy’s clothes) “Mummy if you wash your hands you’ll get a surprise  (He’d just informed me I was a poo) (Me: can poos drink coffee) no poos drink ice cream  (I’m ok with that) 

(In the middle of a phone call with his mum, and mid sentence) bye (he then hung up) (to his mum while covering his face in paint) You're not the prettiest anymore because I'm all sparkly 

It was my birthday a few days before. (unprompted) When I’m 4 tomorrow I’ll be gentle with babies (we had just brushed the floor) When I’m 4 tomorrow I’ll like brushing the floor  (DON'T TURN ON THE STEM MOP) When I’m 4 tomorrow Noises won’t hurt me (He's not 4 tomorrow)